“God is good all the time. And all the time, God is good.”

I thought you forgot me, God.

It’s me. The little girl who believed in you so much as a child that when my conscious bothered me or my stomach became unsettled, I was convinced it was the Holy Spirit telling me to rethink the decision I was about to make and kept me on track.

I’m the same little girl whose parents dumped me at my Grandmothers Friday and Saturday nights against my will. She made me attend Sunday School every week and made me sit next to her in the pew in church afterward. She knew everyone at the church. It was her community of friends. Her friends became my friends even though two generations separated us. Though she had a tight community, it was God she reached to while she battled cancer, it was me who took her to the hospital when the pain became too much to bear, and it was me, not my brothers, who struggled when she passed. I admit now my Grandmom was a tremendous influence in my life.

My parents were not deeply religious. Dad was Methodist and Mom was of the Christian Science faith. They attended church for an abbreviated period of time when my brothers and I were younger, but then stopped when we moved to our new home. My brothers and I drifted away from the church and sadly, none of us returned for quite a while. I believe my brother had shortly before he passed away. We claimed work got in our way of attending. We convinced ourselves that we were Christians because “we helped others in their time of need” whether on the ambulance or the police department, but church and everything it had to offer us faded away.

My question: How could there be a God when I was seeing the worst of life: death, assaults, pedophilia, prostitution, injury, disease, lies, deceit, greed, hate and envy in my community?

Mom worshipped silently as Dad was outwardly against the views and ways of Christian Science. I tried to understand her denomination as I grew older and questioned why her parents chose to raise her under that denomination when her parents were Lutheran and Catholic. Christian Science just didn’t sit well with me. It was one of the few things Dad and I agreed on.

Dad could recite scripture but his interactions with people were not always “Christian-like.”  My Dad was a genius and part of Mensa, so he was always right even when proven wrong. This led to numerous arguments and long-lasting feuds between neighbors, friends and even family. He taught his children to always do their research before challenging someone. I took his advice and when we got into an argument, it often did not end up well. Our relationship became very combative. Neither of us relented from our position. Every holiday when the family gathered, it ended up in shouting matches between Dad and one of his children, usually me. Mom ended up in tears. I realized Dad liked an audience and his anger usually only erupted when the family was together. He had to show everyone how intelligent he was, even though the areas of knowledge were limited.

I hated seeing Mom cry and I hated arguing with Dad. To keep conversations civil, I would arrive before everyone else or visit the day before the family came together. I missed years of holidays, but my sanity was intact. After a health diagnosis, my sanity and a calmer lifestyle were imperative to maintaining my health. Because I worked swing shift, it was easy for me to justify forgoing the gatherings simply by saying I had to work. If I wasn’t working, I would choose to cover a shift at the ambulance so other people with children could enjoy their holidays. My brother Kyle did the same. Sadly, it wasn’t until I was married that I started enjoying the holidays again…but this time with my husband’s family.

Unlike Grandmom, Mom and Dad were not fans of Lawrence Welk, gospel music, talking about Christ, or attending church. I don’t recall them making me pray before meals and bedtime, whereas when I was with my Grandmom, she made sure I prayed and thanked God for what life had given me. As time passed, I embraced those evenings with my grandmother and enjoyed being a part of her life. I was no longer unwilling to be with her. I looked forward to the wholesomeness in the messaging of her tv shows, music and scriptures. I looked forward to her newspaper, The Grit, because the stories were positive without being preachy. I found as I got older, I often incorporated the wholesomeness of The Grit when I wrote and yearned for those nights we spent together.

Much has changed over the years. People I loved have passed on with some strained relationships never mended. Volunteer and work experiences exposed me to sights and sounds which I wish I could forget but I cannot unsee or unhear the constant reminder of evil and death that haunts my memories. They laid dormant for years but after highly stressful situations, these images and sounds have re-surfaced. The uneasiness has caused a restlessness in me that I have struggled with for years.

My happiest times were when I was younger, when I had a “community” that understood and helped me through the tough times. I had a place to turn to and my “conscious” guided my decisions. It was a time when I believed in something higher. I believed in right and wrong. Today, the line between right and wrong is still there but gets clouded by manipulated messaging.

Technology perverts us. I think of technology as the “Frankenstein monster” of our times. We have created machines and applications with vast capabilities to bring knowledge and innovations to the world, but mankind also has a superiority complex which makes him ignorant and callous toward others. It makes many act as if they are God and that only they know what is best for mankind. They do not want challenges to their beliefs and have learned to manipulate data to meet their agenda. Mankind has not and probably never will be able to harness this unending wealth of knowledge without doing harm. Having unlimited knowledge leads to absolute power and diminished morals. Lord Acton coined a phrase in 1857 which is apparent in today’s word: “Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

I crave truth and happiness. I crave finding the truth the traditional way without manipulation and without artificial intelligence. I crave talking to people who have civil conversations, and if disagreements arise, they are willing to defend their stance with well thought-out intelligent responses and keep their mind open to my views and reasoning.

Over the past few years, I have reached out to pastors and ministers. I have reached out to friends that live through the word of God. On May 15 of this year, I reached out to my friend, Tina’s pastor, and have started a journey to get closer to God. Pastor Chris and I have had numerous conversations. I’m asking a lot of questions, and I am listening to his guidance and sermons as well as reading his blogs. Tina introduced me to Bible plans which we sometimes read together. Pastor Chris’ Congregational Life Pastor introduced me to the technology the church uses to help me gain a better understanding of God through MyVersion, Right Now Media and church bulletins.

Since May, it seems every time I turn around, the Holy Spirit is speaking to me through the shows I watch on television, the movies I’m choosing to watch, the posts I see on Facebook, and the conversations I’m having with people, including my husband. MyVersion and the scriptures I am reading in the Bible are in sync with what I am feeling and struggling with at that moment. It’s almost as if the scriptures are geared specifically for me in that moment. I wanted truth and I am finding it. I have broached the conversation of faith with a few friends which I never did before, and I feel good about the reception I am receiving.

In Proverbs 30:5 ESV, it states “Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.”  

Life has been better since May since I started to open my heart to let Jesus in. I am finding refuge in His word. I left a toxic work environment that was tearing me down. I walked away from toxic friends. I am setting time aside every day to be with God through scripture and thought. Though I’m limited in mobility to be as independent as I’d like, to attend services or help others, I’m working my way through this as well; asking God to walk by my side as I navigate my new normal. I am finding faith-based movies as wholesome as The Grit when I was a child. Quotes from movies like God is Not Dead are resonating with me at the right time in my life.

“You’re here because that still small voice inside you isn’t happy with the choices everyone else wants you to make. Personally, I think it’s the Holy Spirit talking to you. That’s how He interacts with us if we allow him to. All you have to do is decide whether or not you’re willing to listen. It’s not easy, but it’s simple.”-Reverand Dave.

I’m listening to that small voice within me and thanking God every day for the bounties and the people He has made a part of my life. My life has had its challenges, but God has walked with me through the darkness and led me to the light on the other side. I know now that I opened my heart to Jesus, I am on a journey with Him. He will always be the one constant force in my life I can depend on and that I can trust His guidance today and always to show me the way.

“God is good all the time. And all the time, God is good.”–Reverand Dave from God is NOT Dead