Is the work we do meaningless?

So often in life, we get caught up in negativity, leaving us angry, emotional, and isolated from friends and family. God does not want us to hate each other, but to love each other, to find the good in others, and to support them just as He does for each of us. So how do we do we focus on the positives when we cannot put the past behind?

Lord knows I am no expert on this matter, but I can say this: once I started trusting God, letting Him back into my heart and laying my struggles before Him, things changed. I saw those around me differently, and I was becoming more empathetic toward others.

Over the years, I focused on so many negative events in my life that I went from having a cheerful, positive, can-do attitude, where I helped so many that were struggling to having a negative, “why are you only focusing on my disability attitude,” that I was finding interactions with others hard. Others annoyed me by trying to help me, when in reality, I could do things myself, or so I thought. I found people overbearing.

Over the past few years, I have asked myself what changed. I was the same person, wasn’t I? The simple answer was no.

Sure, I had events happen in life that I would rather forget, and I now have a disability that limits what I can do and where I can go. So much seems wrong. It frustrates and depresses me. The life I knew changed drastically and sadly through it all, I forgot my blessings. The gifts God has given me have helped me cope with the isolation, hurt, sadness, and the disability. I learned how to harness these gifts to help myself and countless others, but differently than I planned.

After years of struggles and deep soul searching, I realize now that everything that happened in my past, good and bad, must stay in the past, but never forget God put those experiences and people in my life for a reason. Even the disability happened for a reason. I cannot say I understand why, but God does. He has other plans for me.

Earlier this year, I reached out to a pastor and opened up to him about my struggles. I told him of the horrible things I have seen, of dealing with a disability, of losing my brother, of family turmoil with my surviving brothers and late father. I told him I am losing friends over politics, that I am anxious about the current state of the world and our upcoming election. I asked him to help me understand. I only knew of this pastor through a friend, yet there was something that made me feel comfortable talking to him, especially when he said many were questioning some of the same concerns. Suddenly, I did not feel so alone in my feelings.

We spoke about many things, and he often referenced God and the Bible, but in a way that it piqued my interest to understand and ask more questions. He did not push me aside because I was not a member of his congregation, but helped me understand that what I was going through was “normal”, that humanity is flawed and that we have someone in our lives who will forgive us and guide us as long as we will let Him in our hearts, follow, obey, and trust Him. Our conversation lasted a few days and sporadically over several months.

Since our conversation was through the computer, I kept our conversation so I could return to it. After re-reading, I noticed I told him all the negative things that happened, how people were focusing solely on my disability and not valuing what I could still contribute. There was not one positive experience I had relayed to him. WOW! What a revelation!

I needed to change that. Are people perceiving me as negative all the time? I am really not that negative. I see positives in many people and events. I just could not see these in myself. Why should this pastor try to help me when I was being so negative? I was not showing him I was a believer, even though I insisted I believed in Christ.

I wondered if I merely convinced myself, based on all the “past good deeds” I performed, that I was still a good person. A Christian.

I had distanced myself from church years ago. I was not one for “organized religion.” I saw some not so good sides if it and it did not sit well. People indulged in everything possible during the week: drinking, gambling, sex, lying, cheating, and stealing, but professed they were Christian because they attended church on Sundays. It was offensive, to say the least, but I was starting down a slippery slope myself, trying to “fit in” with friends. If things did not change, I would end up like those that I found offensive. I needed someone I could trust. I needed God’s help.

After conversing with Pastor Chris and his Congregational Pastor, I read scripture and Bible plans alone and with a friend. I read my friends’ comments as she interpreted the scriptures as they pertained to her life. She is open, and like the pastor, her comments make me reflect on my own situations.

When I felt comfortable, I attended the pastor’s church. The attendance was larger than expected. The congregation welcomed me despite me being on a rollater. It was like they did not see it. I did not get the “condescending stares or tones of speech” that usually occur when I enter a room. It was something that over the years has made me self-conscious. Often, people talk down to me as if my disability affects my intelligence. It is infuriating, but I have tried to smile and pretend it does not bother me.

Seeing the joy on the congregation’s faces as they interacted with each other and watching the children’s excitement as they rushed to attend the children’s services was refreshing. I realized then that there was something special within these walls; something my love for nature did not have: a community.

I finally met the pastor, his wife, congregational and youth pastors during a meet and greet for those new to the church. Having had little interaction with people the past several years, I found myself a little reserved, which surprised me because in my younger years, I was extremely outgoing. The pastor and his wife were kind enough to give me a ride home and once again, I talked about negative things. WHAT WAS THE MATTER WITH ME? Wasn’t there anything positive in my life I could share?

That evening, I tried to focus on the positives, but I just could not seem to recall the good. I knew there were many positive events in my life, so why could I not recall them? I prayed to God to help me see the positivity in my life. It took a few days, but I awoke from a sleep that Tuesday recalling incidents that, honestly, I never thought twice about. They were not significant to me because they were just part of my job; however, these blessings, no matter how small or how disguised, were from Him.

Reverend Dave said in God is Not Dead, “Some of the most important work we do seems meaningless.”

So, what were the positives? I am married to the same man for 33-1/2 years, I have delivered two babies as an EMT, trained hundreds of people in emergency response and safety, helped countless people during emergencies, helped heal communities and widows during their time of loss and shared people’s personal victories through my writing. I have started two social media sites that have brought thousands of people together: one to celebrate emergency responders and another for those with gait injuries to discuss a new breakthrough device, to share victories and encourage others. And I’ve been a friend to many when they needed someone to listen to them.

I suppose I looked upon my acts of kindness and willingness to help others simply as part of life and something we all must do to help each other on earth. It was nothing special, but they were immeasurable in God’s eye.

As an EMT and law enforcement officer, I saw heartache, death, and hope. I was thankful for having “discretion” with my decisions. Why? I believed then, and still do today, that people are inherently good. People make mistakes, but punishing them is not always the answer. Pointing out their mistakes and offering ways to correct it goes much further than fines or imprisonment.

God put fantastic doctors in my life and gave my husband the strength to help me when a medical diagnosis threw me for a loop. They were with me throughout the treatments. One specialist, 30-years ago, said I’d be paralyzed in a year. Through the grace of God, that did not happen.

Had I genuinely believed in Christ over the year, I would have realized that the disability was just another leg of my journey. Corinthians 5:17 NIV told me what to do when my life changed.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new.”

My old life is gone. It is never easy to change, but often it is necessary. It was what I needed to do, and I did with God’s help.

I thank God every day for walking beside me. He has given me the strength to face each day, to regroup and continue to live my life just differently than I had planned. God has given me the gift of pursuing the truth and standing up for my beliefs despite what others say. He has given me the gift of compassion and forgiveness, though forgiveness is not always easy.

He has given me the gift of sharing my knowledge with others through teaching. He has gifted me understanding that everyone has a story to tell and has given me the ability to share their stories with others. This gift has helped heal a community after the tragic loss of a fallen officer, healed the wives of good friends whose husbands have died, one by suicide. It has enabled me to bring a family together, to understand why their father/husband never spoke of his job and it brought sheer happiness to him in his last months for his family to know his work helped save the world. I will never forget the pride I saw in this family or the comfort I brought to others with my stories.

Though the gift of expression helped so many through troubled times, I admit, many of the stories I wrote, though they uplifted others, took its toll on me more than I realized because I kept reliving the events in my mind

I needed to change the way I thought, the way I spoke and the way I acted. Could it be that it was me who focused on my disability and not others? Were my perceptions of others taking over my life? I believe so, but God has been patient with me while I have been finding this out. Not everyone is cruel. I still believe people are inherently good but that our experiences shape up.

Philippians 4.8 NIV instructs us: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

After my soul searching for the positive things in my life, I have to say, I am thankful that my life took the path as it did, though I wish it would have skipped the disability. I may not have a fancy house or cars. I do not travel to exotic places or wear expensive clothes and jewelry. Even my dogs are “used.” I do not have a movie star husband nor was I raised by wealthy parents. What I have is a hardworking, loving, and loyal husband, a solid foundation growing up in a two-parent household where I wanted for nothing, had a good education, have always been employed, have a can-do attitude, and am surrounded by great friends. Best of all, I have God walking beside me. I would say there are many, many positives in my life…I just need to focus on them more than the negative.

I cannot have a positive life if I have a negative mind.